If Twitter were on Firefly…
(Segment I deleted from The Unwritten Blog, which explains my disappearance. It’s goofy, so I’m leaving it here, just for the hell of it.)
If Twitter were a character on the show Firefly…
…then Twitter would be Book. Y’see? Book is obviously… no, wait. Facebook would be Book, of course.
Twitter would be Wash. No, who am I kidding, Wash is so totally Yahoo.
“This is a fertile land and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it… This Land.”
Yup, that’s Yahoo.
Could Twitter be Kaylee? Yeah, maybe if… unless… is she Pinterest? Hmmm, let’s see…
“Look at the pretties!”
“No, it’s shiny! I like to meet new people, they’ve all got stories.”
“You don’t seem to be lookin’ at the destinations. What you care about is the ships, and mine’s the nicest.”
“[pointing to a pink frilly dress] Say, look at the fluffy one!”
“Don’t you just love this party? Everything’s so fancy and there’s some kind of hot cheese over there.”
I don’t know, I’m still not convinced that Kaylee is…
“[Sits on her bed, eating finger foods, listening to classical music and staring at a fluffy dress.]”
ALRIGHT! Fine! Kaylee is Pinterest.
But then who the hell is Twitter? Simon is obviously WebMD, Zoe…Amazon (heh).
Inara? Could Inara be Twitter? Well Inara is a companion, so… Youjizz.com? DAMMIT, Tarol! Don’t be such an asshole! Inara Serra is a capable, strong woman and NOT an example of sexual objectification! So… xvideos.com? Wait, no. That’s not what companions are about at all. Yes, they provide sexuality, but that’s not the point of it. As a companion, Inara is smarter than you, offers support and information and she helps you get to where you’re going in life if you’re lost, but only works when she wants to andOHMYGOD INARA IS GOOGLE! It makes perfect sense! Also, if Inara had married Capt. Reynolds… Well that would’ve sucked. Damn, that might have ruined the whole show.
So… I guess that makes Capt. Reynolds, Youtube? At least I think he’s Youtube. He disables comments…
“[Book] Captain, do you mind if I say grace?”
“[Reynolds] Only if you say it out loud.”
He regularly picks fights with large groups of unified people…
“[Reynolds] Wha? I didn’t start it! Just wanted a quiet drink.”
“[Zoe] Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself
in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-day, looking
for a ‘quiet drink’.”
And oh yeah, I once saw his naked ass even though I didn’t want to. There’s no doubt about it, Capt. Tightpants is Youtube.
Saffron is Tumblr, that’s easy.
River is… um… what the hell is River?
“The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.”
Hmmm, I’m still not sure what she is.
“I remember everything. I remember too much. And some of it’s made up, and some of it can’t be quantified, and there’s secrets…”
Damn, this is a tough one.
“I don’t belong… dangerous like you. Can’t be controlled… can’t be trusted.”
“No power in the ‘verse can stop me.”
I’m sorry, I just don’t know…
“I threw up on your bed.”
OH! 4Chan! Duh!
So I guess that leaves Jayne as Twitter. Which makes sense, I suppose. He almost always talks in less than 140 characters…
“Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don’t you think?” (69 characters)
“We’re gonna explode? I don’t wanna explode!” (44 characters)
He ‘retweets’ things…
“Shepherd Book once said to me, ‘If you can’t do something smart, do something right.’” (86 characters)
He gets blocked by other accounts for trolling…
“[Jayne] You don’t pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy doesn’t mean…” (108 characters)
“[Reynolds] Walk away from this table. Right now.”
He ‘tweets’ about his food and drink…
“Mmm. They call it Mudder’s Milk. All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma’s best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.” (138 characters)
And finally, when he gets a lot of followers, he lets it go to his head and annoys everyone with an over inflated ego.
“[Jayne] No really Mal, I mean maybe there’s something to this. The mudders, I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me, Jayne Cobb.” (135 characters)
“[Reynolds] I know your name, jackass!”
So the point I’m trying to make, is that Firefly was fucking awesome. Wait. No. My point was… Jayne’s hat… um… no… DAMMIT JOSS WHEDON! You screwed me up again! You do this to me EVERY time!