The Chair Of “Adventure”- An Item For Any RPG

Hey Dungeon Masters and Game Masters, has your gaming session been going on for too long? Are you exhausted and want to stop, but your players are still going strong? May I suggest, the Chair of “Adventure”.

The Chair of “Adventure” can be found anywhere at any time. It can be encountered in a dungeon hallway, a forest clearing or even a crowded tavern. No one knows where it comes from or why it exists. The chair appears to be simple, wooden and unpainted.

Any character who attempts to move the chair will immediately take a 50% hit point loss.

Attempting to pass the chair by walking within thirty feet of it will result in that character’s legs liquefying instantly.

Pointing at the chair will cause that character’s finger to explode with enough force to disintegrate most of the arm as well as causing damage to anyone standing close enough.

Saying the word “chair” will result in the character’s lower jaw transforming into a gate to Hell and sucking his head into the fiery abyss followed by a 25% per ten minutes that a small demon will crawl forth through the newly created Hell-gate.

Turning one’s back on the chair will immediately summon fifteen feet of barbed wired into that character’s lower intestines.

Backing away from the chair will cause the ground below that character to turn into a gelatinous cube.

Any character who attacks the chair in any manner will instantly turn into pure sound. The force of the sound wave will explode the eardrums of anyone within two hundred feet.

Looking at the chair will give you the stomach flu.

Sitting in the chair will transform the chair itself into a black hole that will suck in the characters, the landscape, the planet, light and time and squish it all into a quantum singularity.

The Chair of “Adventure” has multidimensional capabilities. For instance…

Any player in your game that says the phrase “saving throw” must give the DM three of his favourite dice.

Any player that raises one or more eyebrows during the encounter with the chair will owe the DM five dollars per eyebrow. Double this amount if the player’s mouth is open at this time.

If a player has been stacking dice at any time during that game session, he must give the DM seven cents. If he does not have seven cents on him, he must never play original Monopoly ever again. He may only play variants such as Dog-opoly or MileyCyris-opoly, etc.

Any player who has ever rolled a die only to have it bounce off the table and onto the floor now belongs to the DM as his property. Forever.

Anyone who named their character with a play on words such as “Cill E. Bugger” must rip up that character. If said player has ever come to a game and forgotten to bring that character, they must then eat the ripped up character.

Any player who has ever gotten Doritos cheese dust on any game figure must legally change their name to “Cill E. Bugger”.

Any player who has ever placed dice on the gaming area to represent their character when everyone else is using carefully selected and painted figures must go to the nearest tattoo parlour and ask for a tattoo that says “All tattoo artists are morons, especially this asshat tattooing me now“.

The DM now and forever has prima nocta rights over all of the players.

I hope you all enjoy the Chair of “Adventure”.

As always, thanks for reading.

~Thunt